Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Say It Ain't So, Simon

ABC News can't get ratings to save its life, so what do they do?


DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE-ABC has been warned in writing it could face legal fallout for airing its scathing behind-the-scenes look at FOX'S AMERICAN IDOL, the DRUDGE REPORT has learned.

FOX owner Rupert Murdoch has informed executives that it appears ABC is attempting to maliciously "destroy" the nation's most-watched series as it heads into the final weeks.

MORE

FOX believes ABC has interviewed a half dozen losing contestents--contestents who will claim AMERICAN IDOL producers and judges somehow manipulate the show's outcome!
Wow, I had no idea that Al Gore tried out for the show.

Monday, April 25, 2005

(Frozen) Momma's Boy

Norman, is that you?


LA CROSSE, Wis.-A man accused of holding off police for nearly 15 hours by threatening them with explosives told officers he kept his dead mother in a freezer for more than four years while he collected her Social Security checks, authorities said Monday.

Philip Schluth, 52, told police his elderly mother, Edith, died of natural causes in August 2000 but he didn't tell anyone because he was afraid police would blame him, according to court documents. Years earlier his mother was attacked by a cat, resulting in her blood landing on the walls of the house they shared, and he was worried he'd be charged with murder.

Ah, nothing says a son's love for his mother like turning her into a Momsicle.

Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey, Goodbye

Darn that evil President Bush and his vision of freedom in the Middle East! Darn him!


Yahoo! News: ANJAR, Lebananon (Reuters)-Syrian intelligence quit its Lebanese headquarters in the border town of Anjar Monday, virtually completing a pullout of Syrian forces from Lebanon and ending Damascus's 29-year domination.

As the last Syrian military and intelligence units pulled out, Lebanon's Syrian-installed security apparatus showed signs of collapse with the resignation of the country's most powerful security chief allied with Damascus.
Now, would any of this have happened without our action in Iraq? The assassination of Lebanon's former Prime Minister in a car bomb explosion last February might have been the straw that broke the camal's back, but the Syrians must know that history and time are against them. So so long, guys, and don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Paranoia Strikes Deep

Comrade Chavez, Venezuela's favorite Fidel Castro wanna-be, is continuing to demand that the U.S. actually pay attention to his paranoid rantings.


Yahoo! News: CARACAS, Venezuela-President Hugo Chavez said a military exchange program with the United States was canceled because U.S. officers in Venezuela were spreading a negative image of his government to the soldiers they were training.

He also announced the detention of several Americans and said the United States might be planning to invade his country.
Well, Comrade, you may be giving us a legitimate excuse if this keeps up.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

You Say It's Your Birthday

Hubble and I both have something in common-we both celebrated our birthdays this weekend.


www.space.com: The Hubble Space Telescope has taken about 750,000 images in its fifteen years in space. Celebrating the launch on April 24, 1990, Hubble officials released two more pretty pictures.

The images were to be released Monday, but they were provided in advance to the media and were posted to a British web site Friday afternoon. SPACE.com contacted the Space Telescope Science Institute, which operates Hubble, to verify that an embargo had been broken.

While Hubble's future is uncertain, its capabilities are unquestioned as the sharp-eyed observatory continues to produce stunning photographs of faraway places.

The new images are fresh views of two of the most famous objects previously photographed by Hubble.

The Eagle Nebula

One picture is of the well known Eagle Nebula, also called the Pillars of Creation. It is a stellar nursury. Its energy creates a billowing tower of cold gas and dust that is 9.5 light years high, about twice the distance from our Sun to the next nearest star.

The Whirlpool Galaxy

The other picture is of the spiral galaxy M51, also known as the Whirlpool Galaxy. This sharpest image ever made of M51 illustrates a spiral galaxy's grand design, from its curving spiral arms, where young stars reside, to its yellowish central core, home to older stars.
Hubble may get to see to the ends of the Universe, but at least I got pizza and a layer chocolate cake.

You Are Who You Eat

Rice-A-Roni is people! From the Independent News (www.news.independent.co.uk):


Scientists have begun putting genes from human beings into food crops in a dramatic extension of genetic modification. the move, which is causing disgust and revulsion among critics, is bound to strengthen accusations that GM technology is creating "Frankenstein foods" and drive the controversy surrounding it to new heights.

In the first modification of its kind, Japanese researchers have inserted a gene from the human liver into rice to enable it to digest pesticides and industrial chemicals. The gene makes an enzyme, code-named CBY2B6, which is particularly good at breaking down harmful chemicals in the body.

So does this mean the next time I have a salad, I might have to have it with a glass of Chianti?

Saturday, April 23, 2005

John Who?

Not satisfied with just being a loser, John Kerry has apparently decided to turn into Al Gore.


WASHINGTON-A fuming John kerry had "daggers in his eyes" after a fellow Democrat promoted Hillary Rodham Clinton for president-suggesting the 2004 loser is green with envy at a potential rival.

The flap was touched off two weeks ago when Clinton spoke at a Minneapolis Democratic dinner and Sen. Mark Dayton (D-Minn) told the cheering crowd that he was introducing "the next great president of the United States."

Two days later, Kerry came over to Dayton on the Senate floor "with daggers in his eyes and said, 'what are you doing endorsing my 2008 presidential opponent?'...He was very serious," Dayton told the Minneapolis Star Tribune.
Don't worry, John. A few years from now nobody will remember who Hillary is, either.

Friday, April 22, 2005

The Finger Lady Gets Fingered

You don't want to pull this finger:


LAS VEGAS (AP)-The woman who claimed she found a finger in a bowl of Wendy's chili has been arrested, the latest twist in a case that has become a late-night punch line and forced the fast-food chain to check its employees for missing digits.

Anna Ayala, 39, was arrested late Thursday at her home outside Las Vegas.
She had Wendy's in the palm of her hand, and now this knucklehead is all out of joint because she got caught.

Taking The Plea

We got him:


ALEXANDRIA,Va.-Zacarias Moussaoui pleaded guilty Friday to conspiring with the Sept. 11 hijackers to kill Americans and declared he was personally chosen by Osama bin Laden to fly a plane into the White House during a later attack.

Moussaoui admitted guilt in front of a packed courtroom only a few miles from where one of the four hijacked planes crashed into the Pentagon in 2001. He pleaded to six conspiracy counts, four of which could bring the death penalty.

He said he would contest such a sentence, which prosecutors say they intend to persue. "I will fight every inch against the death penalty," he said.
Funny, he didn't seem to have any problem signing up to die for 72 virgins. Hopefully, he'll be the one being treated like a virgin in prison for all eternity very soon.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Hear Me Now And Understand Me Later

And, on the heels of Newt, we also have the Terminator's language problems:


YAHOO NEWS (AP)-Blaming his faulty English, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger on Wednesday said he misspoke when he suggested that California's border with Mexico should be closed to help solve the nation's illegal immigration problem.

Schwarzenegger made the remark while speaking to newspaper editors and publishers Tuesday. He said he intended to say the bordeer should be secured.

"Yesterday was a total screw-up in the words I used," the Republican said at a news conference. "Because instead of closing, I meant securing. I think maybe my English, I need to go back to school and study a little bit."

Consider the irony. Here we have America's most famous immigrant essentially being forced to apologize to people who break the law. There are many things that Arnold could apologize for (Jingle All The Way comes to mind) but wanting to protect the border, especially during wartime, shouldn't have to be one of them.

(Don't) Blame Canada

Well, it's finally happened. The Canadians are mad about something:

WASHINGTON (CP)-High-profile U.S. conservative Newt Gingrich has agreed to retract his statement that terrorists involved in the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks entered the United States from Canada. The move came Wednesday after Canada's Ambassador Frank McKenna fired off a letter of complaint.

He's apologizing. Fair enough. Now how about Canada apologize for Celine Dion and William Shatner, and we can call it even?






Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Jed Bartlett Changes Citizenship

The Great White North has made it legal. From www.foxnews.com come the words that President Bartlett has been waiting for:


Canada has become the first country in the world to approve a cannibis-based painkiller for patients suffering from multiple sclerosis, a move applauded by those with the disease and proponents of medical uses for marijuana.

For those who don't know, President Bartlett, Martin Sheen's character on the West Wing, has this disease. Maybe we'll see frequent trips to Toronto on the show...

Wimping Out?

The folks over at National Review (www.nationalreview.com) have offered their own take on Bolton's troubles, and those of the Republican Party in general:


Ohio Republican Sen. George Voinovich rolled like a marble yesterday. After an hour of ranting by Senate Foreign Relations Committee Democrats about the nomination of John Bolton as United Nations ambassador, Voinovich pronounced himself in need of more information about Bolton before he could vote, even though he didn't attend either of the hearings related to the nomination last week and even though the committee has conducted extensive interviews about the (minor) controversies swirling around Bolton.

What happened was that the Republicans let themselves get played by the likes of Barbara Boxer, John Kerry, and Chris Dodd. If this is the type of "Leadership" we can expect from them, then the GOP will deserve to lose in '08.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Ten Years

Has it really been this long?


OKLAHOMA CITY (AP)-Children who lost their parents in the Oklahoma City Bombing recited the names of the dead, and mourners gently laid bouquets on empty chairs symbolizing each victim Tuesday as they observed the 10th anniversary of the nation's worst act of domestic terrorism.

May God continue to have mercy on the souls of those who died, and may Timothy McVeigh rot in Hell forever. I just wish that Terry Nichols and anyone else involved could be there with him.

Habemus Papum! Benedict XVI

We have a winner!

VATICAN CITY (AP)-Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany, the church's leading hard-liner, was elected the new pope Tuesday evening in the first conclave of the new milleninium. He chose the name Pope Benedict XVI andcalled himself "a simple, humble worker."

The Left just got handed a major blow with this choice. Ratzinger will honor the memory of John Paul II. May God bless and watch over him.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Up, up and Away...

When the going gets weird, the weird turn prosecution witnesses.


The mother of Michael Jackson's young molestation accuser claimed that she feared her children would be spirited away from the star's Neverland ranch in a hot air balloon.

In some of the most bizzare testimony of Jackson's frequently surreal trial, the woman revealed that she told police she feared her three kids wouldvanish from Neverland into California's blue skies.

"Did you tell the sheriff that you thought your children might disappear in a hot air balloon from Neverland?" Jackson's lead lawyer Thomas Mesereau asked the woman under cross examination.

"I made them aware" that this was one of a variety of ways in which aides to the pop star had allegedly threatened to make her children vanish, she replied during her fourth day on the stand of frequently bizzare testimony.
Personally, I think Jacko is a sick freak, but at this point I have to ask: What kind of a case do you have when your star witness is more divorced from reality than the defendant is?

Pope Watch Day 1

No new Pope yet:


Black smoke poured from the Sistine Chapel's chimney Monday evening, signaling that the cardinals sequestered inside for the first papal conclave of the new millennium failed to elect a new pope.

Mainstream media translation: ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH CONTRIBUTES TO GLOBAL WARMING

Sunday, April 17, 2005

My Tombstone Has A First Name...

Raise your hotdogs in his memory.


MERRILLVILLE, Ind.-When mourners began signing "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener" during George Molchan's funeral, they meant no disrepect.

Molchan,who died Tuesday at 82, portrayed the meat processor's spokesman, Little Oscar, for more than three decades, travelling from town to town in the company's Weinermobile to appear in parades and supermarkets.
I wonder if they buried him with onions or relish?

China's Frankenstein Monster

The war of words between the Middle Kingdom and the Land of the Rising Sun is continuing to heat up and it looks like it's getting ugly:

SHANGHAI, China-China on Sunday rebuffed Tokyo's demands for an apology after sometimes violent anti-Japanese demonstrations, while new protests took place in several cities over perceived efforts by Japan to gloss over its wartime history and to gain a permanent U.N. Security Council seat.

"The Chinese government has never done anything that wronged the Japanese people," Foreign Minister Li Zhaoxing told his visiting Japanese counterpart.

Maybe not, but plenty of your own people are still waiting for you to explain Tienneman Square and the Cultural Revolution, and I could think of a few South Koreans who would like to talk to you. Where's Godzilla when you need him?

Get Well Soon

Just read on Drudge's site that former talk show host Tom Snyder has been diagnosed with leukemia.

I always liked the guy. I remember the interview he did with Johnny Rotten, and I used to watch the late-night show he had in the '90's. Best wishes for him.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Y'all Kin Relax

Speakers of Hickesh can rest easy:


CHARLESTON, W. Va.-West Virginia Gov. Joe Manchin vetoed a bill Saturday that would have made English the state's official language-not because he didn't like the idea, but because the legislation had a technical flaw.

Manchin, who had co-sponsored unsuccessful English-only bills when he was a lawmaker, cited the state constitution, which limits each piece of legislation to one topic. The original bill, on increasing the size of local park and recreation boards, was amended during the final hours of the regular legislation.


I for one say good for the Governor for actually following state law. Trying to amend an entirely different bill at the last minute was a dumb move and I'm glad the Governor was paying attention. If you want to introduce an English-only bill, at least do it honestly.

Ancient Secrets Revealed At Last

The secrets of the ancients are seeing the light of day for the first time in what could be a potentially revolutionary discovery. From the Independent News (UK):


Thousands of previously illegible manuscripts containing work by some of the greats of classical literature are being read for the first time using technology which experts believe will unlock the secrets of the ancient world.

Among treasures already discovered by a team from Oxford University are previously unseen writings by classical giants including Sophocles, Euripides and Hesiod. Invisible under ordinary light, the faded ink comes clearly into view when placed under infra-red light, using techniques developed from satellite imaging.

Now, if they could only develop technology that could find out where socks go when they disappear in the washing machine...

When In Doubt, Be Incomprehensible

Not to be outdone by CBS, a group of MIT grad students have proven that gibberish really does have its place in the world of scientific academia (courtesy Yahoo! News):


CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (Reuters)- a bunch of computer-generated gibberish masquerading as an academic paper has been accepted at a scientific conference in a victory for pranksters at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

Jeremy Stribling said on Thursday that he and two fellow MIT graduate students questioned the standards of some academic conferences, so they wrote acomputer program to generate research papers complete with nonsensical text, charts and diagrams.

The trio submitted two of the randomly assembled papers to the World Multiconference on Systemics, Cybernetics and Informatics (WMSCI), scheculed to be held July 10-13 in Orlando, Florida.

To their surprise, one of the papers-"Rooter: A Methadology for the Typical Unification of Access Points and Redundancy"-was accepted for presentation.

"Rooter" features such mind-bending gems as "the model for our heuristic consists of four independent components:simulated annealing, active networks, flexible modalities, and the study of reinforcement learning" and "We implemented our scatter/gather I/O server in Simula-67, augmented with opportunistically pipelined extensions."

Years ago, there was a Bloom County strip in which Opus the penguin got $800 million from the Government for a fake "StarTrek" program. But these guys will settle for Nobel prizes.

Friday, April 15, 2005

An Elephant Is Angry, One Hundred Per Cent

From Drudge:


The aggressive behavior of a rogue elephant in a Rwandan wildlife preserve has prompted an unusual warning from the US embassy in Kigali, normally more concerned with threats posed by humans.

The embassy said visitors to Lake Ihema in northern Rwanda's Akagera Game Park should take extra security precautions because the rouge beast that was becoming increasingly violent.

"Recently, this elephant has displayed more aggressive behavior towards visitors to the point that actual charging and physical contact with vehicles has occured," it said in a notice to US citizens in Rwanda released Thursday.

So, along with deadly viruses, any Americans visting Africa now have to deal with Michael Moore.

Europa, Non?

Jacques Chirac is finding out that becoming the next Napoleon might not be as easy as he once thought:


Appearing on a lived televised debate with a group of 83 young French citizens aged 18-30, Chirac replied during two full hours to questions from the public, trying to promote a "yes" vote.

Chirac said a European constitution is important to help build a stronger Europe in the face of other powers.

Chirac said that France and Europe would in the future face other super powers such as the United States, China, Russia and even Brazil and the rest of Latin America.

France against the world? I suppose this might cause alarm if the rest of the world actually cared about France.

Webster Walks

Barney Fife would have appreciated this. From FoxNews.com:


Officer Ron Kirk said he stopped a vehicle Tuesday afternoon in rural southwestern Georgia that had been traveling 70mph in a 45mph zone. Kirk immediately recognized Lewis.

"Well I grew up watching him and he was very nice and professional, so I gave him a courtesy warning," Kirk told Albany TV station WALB.
So, take heart, Gary Coleman. You might not have won the race for Governor in California, but if you're ever in Georgia, keep the pedal to the metal.

Mayor McCheese Would Be Proud

McDonald's turns fifty this Friday. In spite of lawsuits from people who were too lazy to put down their Big Macs, they're still hanging in there. Roy Kroc started with a single hamburger stand and turned it into an American icon. On behalf of fast-food lovers everywhere, I salute you, Roy, wherever you are.