The Hammer Becomes A Ham Sandwich

Apparently realizing that they're not going to get Bush after all, the Democrats, with the help of a certain hack of a prosecutor, are going after the biggest target they can find.

Fox News WASHINGTON-Rep. Tom DeLay, R-Texas, said Wednesday he would temporarily step down as House majority leader after he and two political associates were charged by a Texas grand jury with conspiracy in a campaign finance scheme.

"In accordance with the rules of the House Republican Conference, I will temporarily step aside as floor leader in order to win exoneration from these baseless charges," DeLay told reporters.

As near as I can tell, the charges stem from fundraising activity that DeLay did in Texas which happens to be legal under Texas law. The prosecutor, one Ronnie earle, has apparently been trying to get DeLay on something for years. Well, Mr. Earle should be careful what he wishes for, because he's going to find out why they call DeLay The Hammer.

"God Made Me Do It"

Forget about welfare states, permissiveness and hanging out with the wrong crowd. That's peanuts compared to religion.

Times Online Religious belief can cause damage to a society, contributing towards high murder rates, abortion, sexual promiscuity and suicide, according to research published today.

According to the study, belief in and worship of God are not only unecessary for a healthy society but may actually contribute to social problems.

The study counters the view of believers that religion is necessary to provide the moral and ethical foundations of a healthy society.

It all starts with believing in God. That's the gateway towards wearing a cross, reading a bible, believing in same-sex marriage, and then who knows what else.

All Al Qaeda, All The Time

It looks like Al Jazeera has some competition.

BOSTON GLOBE ROME-an Internet newscast called the Voice of the aliphate was broadcast yesterday, purporting to be a production of Al Qaeda.

The broadcast featured an anchorman who wore a ski mask and an ammunition belt.

The anchorman, who said the report would appear once a week, presented news about the Gaza Strip and Iraq, and expressed happiness about the recent hurricanes in the United States. A copy of the Koran was at his right hand, and a rifle affixed to a tripod was pointed at the camera.

Welcome to The Legend of Hassan Burgundy.

Sorry About That, Chief

Agent 86 has gone to that great C.O.N.T.R.O.L. headquarters in the sky.

FOX News: LOS ANGELES (AP)-Don Adams, the wry-voiced comedian who starred as the fumbling sectet agent Maxwell Smart in the 1960s television spoof of James Bond movies, "Get Smart," has died. He was 82.

Adams died of a lung infection late Sunday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, his friend and former agent Bruce Tufeld said Monday, adding the actor broke his hip a year ago and had been in ill health ever since.

Not only was he one of the funniest guys who ever lived, Adams was also a war hero, having joined the Marines and survived the Battle of Guadacanal. Semper Fi, Max.

Taking The Fall

Well, I guess they had to blame somebody.

USA Today: FORT HOOD, Texas (AP)-Army Pfc. Lynndie England, whose smiling poses in photos of detainee abuse at Baghdad's Abu Grahib prison made her the face of the scandal, was convicted Monday by a military jury on six of seven counts.

England, 22, was found guilty of one count of conspiracy, four counts of maltreating detainees and one count of committing an indecent act. She was acquitted of a second conspiracy count.

I'm all for punishing anybody who's guilty of real abuse. Somehow, I don't think putting panties over a Taliban member's head and making fun of their manhood ranks up there with cutting peoples' heads off.

Ghost Hunters

Osama, meet Elvis. Elvis, Osama.

CBS The Pakistani military officers battling Al Qaeda along the border with Afghanistan who have the latest first-hand information about Osama bin Laden believe he is hiding with a small cadre in Afghanistan and is no longer an effective leader for the terrorist group.

A full report by correspondent Steve Kroft on the search for bin Laden will be broadcast on CBS News' 60 Minutes on Sunday, Sept. 25 at 7 p.m. ET/PT.

"I think now [bin Laden] is being protected or assisted by a very short number, which keeps his profile very low," says the counter-terrorism head of Pakistan's Intelligence Service, a brigadier who goes by the name "Ali" and whose true identity is known only by a few government officials. Ali believes that bin Laden is still someplace along the border, probably along Afghanistan.

Well, I always thought he'd gotten a job at 7-11, but I could be wrong.

Required Reading

If there's one book you should get your kids for Christmas, it's this one.

Yahoo! News: Los Angeles, CA September 22, 2005-An unlikely children's book has stepped forward to challenge "Harry Potter" for the #1 ranking on Amazon.com's bestseller list, and its portrayal of left-wing icons Hillary Clinton and Ted Kennedy as cartoon villains has provoked a firestorm of controversy in the process.

"Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed" (Kids Ahead; hardcover $15.95; ISBN 0976726904) by Katherine DeBrecht soared to #6 in Amazon's overall rankings on Wednesday afternoon after being praised by talk radio king Rush Limbaugh on his national show. The illustrated book ranked second only to J.K. Rowling's "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" in Amazon's children's book category, and was also ranked #8 overall on Barnes & Nobel's site.

Should the book go on to topple "Harry Potter" for the top spot, it would be a major upset by a most unlikely underdog. Not only have the leading publications in the publishing industry such as Publisher's Weekly and The New York Times Book Review ignored the book, it has also been fiercely denounced by liberal pundits and bloggers. The average customer review for "Liberals Under My Bed" on Amazon stood at only one star out of five earlier this week as liberals flocked to the site to criticize the controversial book. But its fortunes dramatically reversed as word of the book spread in conservative circles.

Well, I'm certainly willing to do my part to help spread the word. In an age in which kids are being made to read about two princes who get married, and Heather and her two daddies, what's wrong with some real diversity for a change?

Remade In Their Own Image

Now that those nasty Joos are gone, the followers of the Religion of Peace(tm) have decided to turn one of their former places of worship into a showplace for the tools of their trade.

The NY Sun WASHINGTON-Emboldened by Israel's withdrawel from Gaza and part of the West Bank, Hamas yesterday announced its plan to turn a synagogue in Netzarim into a museum that would display weapons employed by the terrorist group's members against Israeli civilians.

A statement issued yesterday by Hamas said, "Qassam rockets and other locally made arms will be exposed, since it is the legal weapon that evicted the occupation forces." The Middle East Media Research Institute yesterday reported that recent sermons delivered by Hamas leaders pledged to resist efforts from the Palestinian Authority to disarm the organization ahead of upcoming elections.

Nice to see that the Roadmap to Peace is being so well respected, isn't it?

One More Bash For The Road

Apparently trying to prove that she's as hip as Kanye West, Bette Midler just had to open her mouth.

Rolling Stone ...Political chatter was kept to a minimum at both events, with performers mostly sticking to the program: championing aid for New Orleans. But a few artists angrily denounced government officials for their slow response to Katrina's devestation. "I wish New Orleans was dry and Washington was underwater," said Tom Waits. Bette Midler had even stronger words: "I got a letter from the Republican Party the other day. I wrote back, 'Go f*ck yourself.'" She then added: "George Bush is a fan of mine--he came to see me in the Seventies. His coke-dealer brought him."

Bette, just boogie-woogie your fat has-been self on out of here, okay?

Journey's End

A truly great man has left us.

MSNBC: LOS ANGELES-Simon Wiesenthal, the Holocaust survivor who helped track down Nazi war criminals following World War II, then spent the later decades of his life fighting anti-Semitism and prejudice againast all people, died Tuesday. He was 96.

Wiesenthal died in his sleep at his home in Vienna, said rabbi Marvin Heir, dean and founder of the Simon Wiesenthal Center in Los Angeles.

"I think he'll be remembered as the conscience of the Holocaust. In a way he became the permanent representative of the victims of the Holocaust, determined to bring the perpetrators of the greatest crime to justice," Hier told The Associated Press.

Wiesenthal was tireless in his persuit of justice, and his message is needed now more than ever. Shalom, sir. May you finally find peace.

The Big Lewinsky

Well, I guess Bubba's finally got his legacy.

NewsMax: A Chinese company is honoring ex-president Bill Clinton by naming a new line of condoms after him-along with a companion line of condoms that will be named after his ex-girlfriend, Monica Lewinsky.

Reports Britain's Sky News: The Guangzhou Haokian Bio-science company has registered their names as trademarks for the contraceptives.

The condoms will display Chinese spellings: Kelitun and Laiwensiji.

Future lines will include The Cigar Holder, The Bent One's Best, and The Oral Office Executive.

Drowning Your Sorrows

I'd like to see who would actually drink something like this. And then measure their IQ points against my height.

The Smoking Gun SEPTEMBER 20--With dead bodies sill floating in the streets of New Orleans, a pair of Louisiana lawyers are seeking to cash in on the killer hurricane by slapping the name Katrina on alchoholic beverages. In a new filing with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, Andrew Vicknair and Harold Ehrenberg provided federal officials with a logo--reproduced above--bearing the word Katrina, the phrase "Get Blown Away," and a small satellite image of the deadly storm.

You'd think with hurricane season just beginning and Rita aiming for the Gulf as I write this, they'd be able to make enough money from hurricane victims alone. But I guess when you're a lawyer, greed really does conquer all.

Victory, Nein? Mein Gott!

Don't pop the champagne corks too much, Schroeder. You didn't win, either.

Guardian: Germany was plunged into uncertainty last night when the leaders of the two main parties claimed they could become chancellor after neither won a majority in the general election. the result was a blow to the conservative challenger, Angela Merkel, whose party started the campaign with a 21-point lead. Although Mrs. Merkel could still have become the country's new leader, she can now probably only do so as part of a "grand coalition" with Gerhard Schroeder's Social Democratic party.

Well, at least Merkel tried. But it seems that the Germans weren't quite that ready to give up their welfare state privelages just yet.

Bums On Parade

What do people who live in a welfare state do when they have too much free time on their hands?

They pull stunts like this.

SFGate: At a dramatic and elaborate memorial service near San Francisco's City Hall on Sunday, homeless advocates honored the names and lives of nearly 2,000 people who have died homeless in San Francisco since 1987.

Next to a 94-foot-long white wooden wall bearing the names, recorded violin music played with live singing and scarf dancing, incense burned and members of Religious Witness With Homeless People led about 200 people through the service, which included reciting the names of all 149 people known to have died homeless in San Francisco in 2004.

I'm guessing that most of the dancers and singers who appeared wouldn't be caught dead in San Francisco on any other day. SF is the most liberal city in the country, so why isn't City Hall actually doing something instead of allowing these goofballs to have their little publicity stunt? Oh, yeah-homelessness is the fault of those evil Republicans, not left-wing local officials who want to pay them to stay homeless!

Governator II

He's making a sequel.

FOX News: SAN DIEGO-Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger confirmed an open secret Friday, telling supporters that he's running for re-election next year-an early announcement designed to re-energize his sagging political momentum with the vitality that swept him into office.

"I'm going to follow through with this here. I'm not here for three years. I originally got into this because to finish the job. I'm in there for seven years," he told an enthusiastic crowd of about 200 invited guests. "Yes, I will run for governor."

Say what you want about Arnold, I personally think his heart is in the right place and he's at least trying to do the right thing, considering that he has to face a legislature that's overwhelmingly hostile to him. Anybody who can make the teachers' unions and illegal immigrants that mad at him can't be all bad.

Saviour Of The Universe

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Super Bubba!

Yahoo! News: NEW YORK (AFP)-Former US President Bill Clinton, apparently not content with eight years as leader of the free world, is now out to save the planet.

With more than 170 heads of state and government gathered in New York for the UN summitt, Clinton will open Thursday the inaugural meeting of the Clinton Global Initiative (CGI), aimed at wiping out poverty, ending conflict, rolling back climate change and promoting better governance worldwide.

He wanted to be a Supreme Being, too, but that will be his wife's job.

Here We Go Again

Remember Michael Newdow? He's baaaack...

Sept. 14 (Bloomberg)--A federal judge in California said the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools is unconstitutional, in a ruling that will rekindle a debate over the use of the phrase "under God."

Judge Lawrence Karlton in Sacramento, California, today said that a school district's policy requiring the pledge with the phrase "under God" is unconstitutional. The case was brought by Michael Newdow, an atheist who had previously sued to challenge the use of the phrase.

Look, Mikey, you had your fifteen minutes of fame when you put your kid through this fiasco last time around. Go back to ranting on a street corner; you'll get just about as much attention.

The Buck Stops Here

Well, this is it. Bush will never get re-elected now!

FOX News: WASHINGTON-President Bush will address the country Thursday from Louisiana about actions being taken to recover from Hurricane Katrina, an announcement that came a day after FEMA's top manager resigned in the wake of a poorly perceived response to the disasterous storm.

Bush on tuesday accepted responsibility for failures in the government's response to Katrina and admitted to "serious problems" with the handling of the response to the storm that struck the Gulf Coast more than two weeks ago.

"Katrina exposed serious problems in our response capability at all levels of government," Bush said at a joint White House news conference with the president of Iraq.

"To the extent the federal government didn't fully do its job right, I take responsibility," Bush said.

This is what a real leader does. As opposed to his enemies, who can only simper and whine and wonder why they can't get any traction against a guy they call a dumb cowboy who can't string two coherent words together.

Riding the Storm Out

Never ones to let a good tragedy go to waste, Democrats are letting it be known that they will hold all future SCOTUS nominees responsible for future natural disasters.

THE WASHINGTON TIMES: It took less than an hour before Senators considering federal Judge John G. Roberts Jr.'s nomination to the Supreme Court fell into disagreement over Hurricane Katrina.

In their opening remarks, the two top Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee invoked the tragedy as a reminder of the gap between rich and poor and the need for a Supreme Court that wants to close that gap.

"Today, the devestation, despair facing millions of our fellow Americans in the Gulf region is a tragic reminder of why we have a federal government, why it's critical that our government be responsive," said Sen. Patrick J. Leahy, Vermont Democrat and ranking minority member of the panel.

Yes, because that's what the job of the Supreme Court is-to make sure that the government caters to our every whim and make everything rainbows and puppies. And here I was thinking that there job was to interpret and enforce the Constitution. Silly me.

Brave New World

Are men going to be obsolete?

BBC News-Human embryos created using a so-called "virgin conception" technique have been made in the UK for the first time.

The Roslin Institute, which also cloned Dolly the sheep, reported the so-called parthenotes at a Dublin conference.

They are made by stimulating a human egg to start dividing like an embryo without the addition of any genetic material from a male sperm sale.

I can see it now. A world run by lesbian Amazons...clones of Hillary everywhere...

Religion Of Mass Insanity

Yes, the Palestinians are definitely ready for their own state...

SFGate.com (AP)-Joyous Gazans flooded into empty Jewish settlements Monday and Palestinians climbed ropes and clambered over walls dividing this border town to join a chaotic celebration of the end of 38 years of Israeli military rule over the Gaza Strip.

Plans by Palestinian police to bar crowds from the settlements quickly dsintigrated. Militant groups hoisted flags, fired wildly into the air and set abandoned synagogues ablaze, illustrating the weakness of the security forces and concerns about their ability to control growing chaos in Gaza. The pullout is widely seen as a test for Palestinian aspirations of statehood.

Well, it's nice to see what a civilizing influence Arafat was, isn't it?

Crescent Of Shame

By now you've probably heard about this controversial memorial to the passengers and crew of Flight 93. The guy who designed this thing can say whatever he wants; it sure looks like a Muslim crescent to me. Seriously, this is so boneheaded I don't know where to begin.

Four Years Later

It's an anniversary we wish we didn't have, but one which we must not forget.

From a speech by Donald Rumsfeld comes this passage:

...In the dark days of our revolution, George Washington's army had been decimated in New York. A British admiral told three of our founding fathers that the revolutionaries could have peace if only they would reject the Declaration of Independence and give up their rebellion. To many it might have seemed a tempting offer. Prospects for victory seemed bleak. But those patriots refused. their army rallied. And our country's independence was secured.

That date was Sept. 11th,...1776. As it happens the place where those patriots refused to surrender is just minutes away from the site of the World Trade Center.

Today, a vastly more vicious adversary seeks our surrender. Once again, we will refuse. And once again, our forces have rallied.

Never Forget. God Bless America.

Some Heads Are Gonna Roll

"Brownie, you're doin' a fine job. Oh, and by the way-you're fired."

Sep. 9, 2005-Federal Emergency Management Agency Director Michael Brown, under criticism due to his management of Hurricane Katrina as well as reported discrepencies on his resume, has been ousted from disaster relief efforts.

And sources have told ABC News that Brown is also expected to be out as head of the agency very soon.

There were massive screw-ups on both sides, and granted anyone who didn't do his or her job should go. So, Governor Blanco and Mayor Nagin, will you be willing to do your part?

Evacuees Need Not Apply

Not everybody is eager to accept Katrina's displaced persons.

Gainesville.com

OCALA-Tammy Coggins returned to her Majestic Oaks home after a weekend in Atlanta and found the welcome mat pulled out from under her good intentions.

While communities throughout the Sunshine State and elsewhere are welcoming Hurricane Katrina's storm-weary survivors, Coggins and others in the 500-home southwest Ocala subdivision were told by their homehowners association that theur deed restrictions prevented them from doing the same.

A flier, distributed by the Majestic Oaks homeowners association on Saturday, said that rather than allowing "additional families" in the community, residents were encouraged to contribute to hurricane relief funds.

Homeowners associations. Who says there's no fascism in America?

America Has Spoken: It's Not His Fault

Kanye West isn't going to like this.

Rush: Well, we get to start off today with some news that's not going to make the left happy. "A USA Today/CNN/Gallup poll of 609 adults taken September 5th and 6th: 13% said that George W. Bush is 'most responsible' for the problems in New Orleans after the hurricane; 18% said federal agencies are most responsible; 25% said that state and local officials more responsible; 38% said nobody is to blame; 6% had no opinion, and 29% said the top officials in the federal agencies responsible for handling emergencies should be fired; 63% said they should not." If you look at the whole poll, it's pretty balanced. It's pretty reasonable. The left, you know, if I didn't know any better I would say that after this, with this bad news for them, "13% blame Bush," after what you people have seen on television for the last week and only 13% blame him?

Well, maybe there'll be an asteroid strike next. Then you'll really be able to get him.

Hell's A-Waitin'

Saddam Hussein is one step closer to getting turned on the Devil's spit.

FOX News: BAGHDAD, Iraq-Iraq's president said Tuesday that Saddam Hussein had confessed to killing and other "crimes" committed during his regime.

President Jalal Talabani told Iraqi television that he had been informed by an investigating judge that "he was able to extract confession's from Saddam's mouth" about crimes "such as executions" which the ousted leader had personally ordered.

Talabani said that some of the confessions involved cases actively under investigation but he did not specify them. Saddam faces his first trial Oct. 19 for his alleged role in the massacre of Shiites in Dujail, a town north of Baghdad in 1982.

Saddam could face the death penalty if convicted in the Dujail case.

I'm sure that Al Frankenweenie, Michael Moron and all the rest will be the first to come to his defense, right guys? Uh, guys? Hello...?

Rest In Peace, Maynard

Another icon has left us.

LOS ANGELES (Reuters)-Bob Denver, who bumbled and stumbled his way to television stardom as goofy castaway Gilligan in the 1960s comedy "Gilligan's Island," has died of complications from cancer, his agent said on Tuesday.

Denver, 70, also known as beatnik Maynard G. Krebs in "The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis," died on Friday at the Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, his agent said.

Farewell, Little Buddy.

The Grownups Have Arrived

In contrast to Mayor Nagin, we now get to see what happens when an adult is put in charge.

Yahoo! News (AFP)-Lieutenant General Russel Honore lived up to his "John Wayne dude" nickname, blasting complaints that red tape or poor security were snarling relief efforts as "B.S."

The fiery general, in charge of the military compnent of the mission, lost his rag during a press conference after President George W. Bush's visit to rescue coordinators here.

"That's B.S. It's B.S.," Honore raged.

"I can tell you that is B.S. We have got 300 helicopters and some of the finest EMS workers in the world down there.

"There is no red tape...there are isolated incidents that people take to paint a broad brush."

Honore also lashed out at questions from journalists at the Baton rouge emergency operations center concerning the security situation in New Orleans.

"You need to get on the streets of New Orleans, you can't sit back here and say what you hear from someone else.

"It is secure, we walk around without any issues. Why the hell are you trying to make that the issue, if you can help, get there and help," he said, saying that people were being scared away by reports of violence.

While the Mayor stocks up on tinfoil hats, the real men have come to town. It's about time.

Tinfoil Hat Brigade

I guess the meeting with Bush didn't take, because Hizzoner seems to be flipping out again.

New Orleans, Louisiana (AHN)-Apparently suffering from stress and a bit of paranoia, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin tells CNN Saturday night that he believes the CIA will "wipe him out" after his criticism of President Bush and the Federal government in response to Hurricane Katrina.

Mayor Nagin seemed to have calmed down after the meeting with President Bush for two hours on Friday but became stressed again over the current situation still unfolding in his city.

I think it's high past time for Mr. Nagin to take a nice, long, and permament vacation.

Sink Or Swim, Spicolli

Duuuuuude!

Yahoo! News-Efforts by Hollywood actor Sean Penn to aid New Orleans victims stranded by Hurricane Katrina foundered badly, when the boat he was piloting to launch a rescue attempt sprang a leak.

Pennhad planned to rescue children waylaid by Katrina's flood waters, but apparently forgot to plug a hole in the bottom of the vessel, which began taking on water within seconds of its launch.

The actor, known for his political activism, was seen wearing what appeared to be a white flack jacket and frantically bailing water out of the sinking vessel with a red plastic cup.

Paging Mr. Hand....

When Incompetents Attack

They're really losing it.

NewsMax Sen. Mary Landrieu threatened the president of the United States with physical violence on Sunday, saying that if he or any other government official criticizes New Orleans police for failing to keep civil order in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina-"I might likely have to punch him-literally."

"If one more person criticizes [our sheriffs], or says one more thing, including the president of the United States, he will hear from me-one more word about it after this show airs and I-I might likely have to punch him-literally," Landrieu railed on "ABC's "This Week." It is illegal to threaten the president with physical violence.

The Governor of Louisiana and the Mayor of NO are both Democrats and they have dramatically demonstrated their ineffectiveness. Please, somebody put the adults in charge like they did in neighboring Mississippi.

The Huckster Speaks

Well, Jesse Jackson took time out from his busy schedule with Cindy Sheehan to open his trap in classic style.

Times-Picayune: BATON ROUGE, La. (AP)-Racism is partly to blame for the deadly aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, the rev. Jesse Jackson said, calling President Bush's response to the disaster "incompetent."

"Today, as the President comes to Louisiana, Alabama and Mississippi for his ceremonial trip to look at the victims of the devestation, he would do well to have a plan more significant than a ceremonial tour," Jackson said Friday.

"His whole response is unacceptable."

This is rich. The mayor of NO is black and has proven to be a total incompetent. On the other hand, the Lt. General in charge of the relief effort is also black. Jesse, do the world a favor-go sue a corporation or something. There's no money for you to be had here.

Missing In Action

Some famous faces are missing in what used to be the Big Easy.

FOX News-Before NBC, MTV or anyone else puts on a telethon to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina, they might want to explore some ancillary issues. To wit: New Orleans is a city famous for its famous musicians, but many of them are missing. Missing with a capitol M.

To begin with, one of the city's most important legends, Antoine "Fats" Domino, has not been heard from since Monday afternoon. Domino's rollicking boogie-woogie piano and deep soul voice are not only part of the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame but responsible for dozens of hits like "Blue Monday," "Ain't That A Shame," "Blueberry Hill," and "I'm Walking (Yes, Indeed, I'm Talking)."

Domino, 76, lives with his wife Rosemary and daughter in a three-story pink-roofed house in New Orleans' 9th ward, which is now underwater.

On Monday afternoon, Domino told his manager, Al Embry of Nashville, that he would "ride out the storm" at home. Embry is now frantic.

New Orleans is a city steeped in music history, and it's sad to think that it might all be going away now. Americans are survivors and will recover from this, but the city known as the birthplace of Jazz may be gone.

Update: He once was lost, but now he's found.

FOX News: 'Fats' Domino was finally rescued tonight in New Orleans, according to wire reports. And Irma Thomas, the Queen of New Orleans soul, has reported in from Baton Rouge where she escaped to the home of her aunt.

(Snip) Rescuers picked up the legendary 77-year old musician from his home in a flooded section of New Orleans and eelivered him to safety, his daughter Karen Domino White reported.